At last, the 1901 show
Within the four walls of Australia we're working up a bit of a hoot. The centenary of federation is here — almost!
Girt by sea, festooned with waratah and greased up with eucky oil, all the common people of Australia can think about is: wattle we do next?
THE COMMON PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA: Wattle we do next?
Party, that's what! Cooee!
The federation dollar, the nation's legal tender, is already hard at work cooking up a storm in Britain. Rah, rah, rah, boom de yah, all the PMs went that way and with a didgeridoo visited Westminister too.
There they were — our senior statesmen and a platoon of diggers celebrating with pomp and ceremony the commonwealth we all know and love. Canberra was closed down for a day or two while everybody who was anybody put political difference aside and stopped to note the fact that after almost 100 years Australia still had a government and was, to coin a phrase, still in one piece.
Despite the Red Menace, the Yellow Peril, Joh Bjelke-Petersen and Neighbours, after all these years, Canberra was still on top. And they said it could not be done! If they could only see us now.
Here in Australia we can walk tall among the gum trees and achieve through both houses of parliament whatever we put our mind to. We can bring in a new tax system. We can invent the wine cask. Here in Australia, you can grow up to be Alan Bond, Rupert Murdoch, or a roadie for AC-DC.
THE COMMON PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA: But we can't change the constitution.
You want everything, don't you? Here in Australia, what you see is what you get. A new tax system? You wanted it. You got it. The Olympic games? You've got them too. A two-party preferential voting system? Say no more. Here in Australia, you get the commonwealth you deserve.
Australians all, let us rejoice for we are young and free. Come on, let's hear it! It's the centenary of federation, for crissake! So let's see a bit of enthusiasm around here.
THE COMMON PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA: Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda. You'll come a waltzing Matilda with me.
That's it. Let in the sheep. Bring up the kookaburra chorus. Add the didgeridoo. Now, unfold the flag. Slouch hats on. Wave the sprigs of wattle. I said, wave them — hold them aloft and give them a good shake. That's better.
Now all you ethnics in the front row, face the camera and smile. Good. Excellent. Send in the wombat and the kangaroo. And you, indigenous Australian blackfella-type person in a loin cloth, show us your teeth.
Now we're cooking. Are we happy or what? I can't hear it? ARE WE HAPPY? You bet we are.
BY DAVE RILEY