By Kevin Healy
This week we're privileged to have access to the news reports of those great allies and buddies, the CIA and ASIO ...
"Good morning. This is the CIA-ASIO exclusive news service, and leading the news this morning, mopping-up operations against Insane-is-Hitleraq continue in the Gulf following the UN forces' half-day victory thanks to the incisive and precise bombing of military targets.
"At this point, US military intelligence estimates the total number of human casualties in this war to be nought. We repeat, not a drop of blood has been spilt. And military sources speculate that this final mopping-up operation should be completed in as soon as two to five years, and predict there will be no casualties.
"Now let us look at some of the human faces of this war. Here's a fine example of fresh American cannon-fodde ... uh ... sorry ... youth. Corporal Chuck Sticovic III, of the 45th Desert Patrol Airborne Groundstuck Soon Dead Trench Sand Squadron. How's it going out there, Corporal?"
"Fabulous. I love this place, and I love being privileged to risk my life so that this desert and these people, wherever they are, can be free. And boy, are we kicking ass! We'll massacre that butcher of Baghdad, we'll kill every friggin' Insane-is-Hitleraqi in the world, we'll make this a decent place to live."
"Thank you, Corporal! I'm sure our worldwide network of viewers and listeners and readers will be finding it impossible to choke back the tears after hearing such a fine expression of human dignity and compassion. Well, well — here waddles that warm, cuddly man the world has come to know and love as the Desert Bear — commander of US forces on behalf of the UN, General Abnormal Flyswat. General Flyswat, is the war still going well?"
"War! War! Kill, kill kill!"
"General, don't you mean — no kill?"
"Yeah, uh, sorry. The heat, you know. So far the war is going exactly to plan. There have been no casualties."
"General, what about the dead marines!"
"Thanks, I'd love a drink."
"General, the Lord Rupert of Wopping Sin-Hairoiled in Melbourne, Australia, in a feature saying what a warm, gentle, sensitive man you are, said you loved opera. Is that so?"
"Yes. I sure do love that opera. I just adored that Bye Bye Birdie."
"Thank you for your time, General. Uh, here's a report that the UN secretary-general and the Soviet leadership suggest the 8,264,383 air raids on Baghdad may have gone just slightly beyond the spirit of the UN resolution which we're here to uphold. That sounds like commie propaganda to me, Tony!"
"No, no! The commies are on our side, John."
"I meant it sounds like Arab terrorist propaganda to me. Here's the Australian prime minister, Nuclear Hawke. What do you think, Mr Prime Minister?"
"This is typical press bias. And let me say to my fellow Australians, in case there is the slightest misunderstanding, and some understandable public concern, not one drop of blood has been spilled in this war. And I wouldn't accuse the ABC, for instance, of bias if it had limited its coverage to my press releases."
"I know you've shed tears and been understandably distressed at those terrorist Insane-is-Hitleraq raids on Zion. Did you shed a tear for the Palestinian feeding her baby on the balcony of her home?"
"Those people were warned to stay indoors. Her balcony was outdoors. The brave Zion soldiers were just doing their legal duty — they had every right to shoot her. Anyway, that baby would have grown up to be a terrorist."
"Well, reader, that takes us out for this report from the exclusive ASIO-CIA news service. But we'll be back with more accurate reports of this bloodless mopping-up operation. Good morning!"